What to Do When Your In-Laws Want You to Join the Family Business
By Jillian Wagenheim
It was a short Dear Abby column, but it struck a nerve.
A woman wrote in to share that her in-laws kept asking when she was going to quit her job and join her husband in the family business. She and her husband were on the same page - she was pursuing her own career, and it was going well. But the question kept coming. Again and again.
Abby’s advice? Smile politely, say your husband supports your decision, and change the subject.
In other words: shut it down.
On the surface, that might seem like sensible advice. But in a family enterprise context - where emotional and financial ties are tightly woven together - this kind of response often misses the mark. What looks like a practical question may be entangled with identity, belonging, and expectations that span generations.
In families, conversations don’t just end because someone changes the subject. The dynamic lives on, and for families who share assets the impact can negatively affect shared finances as well as relationships over the long term.
Why Simple Answers Fall Short in Family Enterprise Tensions
It’s tempting to believe that clarity ends conflict. That if you explain yourself once - and your spouse agrees - the matter should be settled.
When important topics are dismissed or avoided, the issue doesn’t disappear - it often moves underground. The tension gets redirected, showing up in subtler ways: cool silences, offhand comments, or new conflicts. What looks resolved may actually be unresolved, popping up again and again like a game of whack-a-mole.
Surface-level responses rarely address the deeper questions at play.
How to Address Family Pressures
When families come to us with situations like this, we don’t jump to solutions. We start with curiosity. Here are some of the questions we’d explore - not to assign blame or offer quick fixes, but to better understand the system behind the scenario:
1.Communication History
Has this topic come up before, or only hinted at?
What was the result of previous conversations?
Every conversation has a backstory. Uncovering that history helps us understand the cycle.
2. Family Roles and Expectations
Is there a spoken or unspoken belief about what it means to be “part of the family”?
Whose path is being mirrored - and whose is being questioned?
Sometimes what’s presented as a practical suggestion is really about preserving tradition - what’s been done before and what feels secure.
3. Triangles and Loyalties
Who has been pulled into this tension - directly or indirectly?
How is family loyalty being tested or assumed across relationships?
Indirect communication, or triangulation, is common in family systems. The challenge is that triangulation moves the tension around. It doesn’t resolve it.
4. What’s Really at Stake?
What outcome would feel successful - not just for the daughter-in-law, but for the family?
What might the in-laws be hoping for, even if it’s not being clearly expressed?
When we slow down and ask what’s underneath the tension, we often find something else entirely: a desire for connection, a fear of change, or a need to feel seen.
How Outside Advisors Help Families Have the Right Conversations
It can be hard to ask these questions from inside the system. Emotions run high, perspectives differ, and sometimes even the best intentions get lost in translation.
That’s where an outside perspective can help. At Relative Solutions, we work with the family as a whole - not just the person who made the call. Our role is to help families focus on what they really want - meaningful connections and thriving finances, to identify the underlying issues that need addressing and build the skills to engage in these conversations constructively. We help families explore differences with curiosity rather than conflict.
These kinds of conversations are rarely about whether someone should join the business. They’re about what it means to be part of the family - and how each person’s path can be understood, respected, and valued.
Learn how we support families through transitions and shared decision-making.