More than Trusts: The Unspoken Side of Family Fire Drills
Imagine the scene: the will has been read, the trust explained, the expected taxes calculated. On paper, everything is tidy. Yet around the dining table, silence grows heavy. Who will step into Dad’s role as the family’s decision-maker? What happens to the holiday china that holds generations of memories? And how do siblings make choices together once their parents’ unifying presence is gone?
Estate plans and trusts handle the numbers. They tell you how assets will be inherited and by whom. But they often say very little about the emotional legacy, including the elder generation’s personal wishes and expectations, not to mention the preferences of their adult children. And when emotions run high, those unspoken elements can matter most.
This is where a family fire drill comes in: a structured rehearsal of what will actually happen during a transition, designed to test both the plan on paper and the plan in practice.
Why Estate Plans Alone Aren’t Enough
When grief or crisis sets in, decision-making gets harder and there are time pressures to file estate tax returns. Often, tensions come to the surface, roles shift, and collaboration can falter. Families risk being derailed not by taxes, but by the impact of the new reality and everyone’s emotional responses.
Common Family Challenges During Estate Transitions
Every family carries its own set of hidden pressure points. A fire drill surfaces them so they can be worked on when the emotional temperature is low and there is plenty of time.
1. Shifting Roles
Who will be in charge? Who wants to lead, and who simply wants to stay informed? When someone becomes executor, trustee, or business successor, it changes family dynamics. A fire drill clarifies roles early, reducing misunderstandings and surfacing expectations before they harden into disputes.
2. Assets with Emotional Value
Keepsakes, artwork, jewelry, or heirlooms may hold little financial weight but carry enormous emotional meaning. Left unaddressed, they can become flashpoints for conflict. A fire drill creates space to discuss preferences and honor their significance in advance.
3. Long-standing Tensions
Old resentments or rivalries often stay muted while elders are alive. When those steadying influences are gone, unresolved dynamics can surge to the surface. A fire drill doesn’t resolve everything in one meeting, but it does reveal where careful work is needed to help families move forward skillfully.
Benefits of Running a Family Fire Drill
A family fire drill prepares families for the economic and legal realities as well as the relational dynamics. Done in calm times, it becomes a rehearsal so that things are a bit more predictable when emotions are running high.
Communicate intentions and personal wishes. Elders can express - in a letter and or in a series of conversations - what matters most to them beyond numbers.
Test the plan. Does the estate plan work as intended when applied in a variety of scenarios?
Run multiple scenarios. Consider not only death, but also incapacity and end-of-life care, when elders are alive but unable to lead.
Clarify roles and responsibilities. Families avoid confusion by knowing who will step into which role and how communication will be handled.
Surface friction points. By identifying them in advance, families can address issues over time, rather than during a crisis.
Think of it like walking through freshly fallen snow: the first steps are slow and heavy, but they create a visible path. When the real storm arrives, the family can follow those footprints more easily.
Practical Steps Families Can Take Now
You don’t need to wait for a full fire drill to begin preparing. Here are four small, but meaningful actions:
List sentimental assets alongside financial ones. Start conversations about what they mean and why they matter.
Map possible role changes. Explore who feels ready to serve in leadership or support roles.
Test decision-making scenarios. Imagine how the family would respond if an elder were incapacitated. Who convenes the group, and how will choices be made?
Notice tension points. Discomfort or silence often signals where important conversations are needed.
A More Rounded Approach
These are difficult conversations to hold inside the family system. That’s why involving third-party advisors can make a difference. Legal and financial advisors handle the technical side, but when paired with relational advisors, the family gets a fuller, more balanced fire drill. At Relative Solutions, we help families test both the structure and the system, so that estate plans can be supported by trust, clarity, and collaboration.
Because in the end, it’s not just about transferring assets. It’s about preparing the people you love most to carry on together.
Explore more about our work.
About us
Our team at Relative Solutions has more than half a century of experience working with family enterprises. We guide families through the difficult questions that emerge from sharing assets, risks and opportunities - so they can improve decision-making and collaboration, and bridge a family’s present with its future.
Key Takeaways
Estate plans cover numbers; fire drills prepare families.
Hidden pressure points - shifting roles, sentimental assets, underlying tensions - are where families most often stumble.
Running scenarios when there is time and relative calm helps families clarify roles and surface challenges before they escalate.
Small steps like listing sentimental assets or mapping roles can start the process right away.
A holistic fire drill blends legal, financial, and relational readiness.
FAQs: Family Fire Drills
What is a family fire drill?
A family fire drill is a structured rehearsal that tests both estate planning documents and the family’s readiness to carry them out.
Why isn’t an estate plan enough?
Estate plans transfer wealth efficiently, but often overlook family roles, emotional assets, and relational dynamics that emerge in transitions.
When should families run a fire drill?
Ideally while elders are alive and well - when emotions are calm and conversations can be had with clarity.
Who should be involved?
Family members, trusted advisors (legal, financial), and relational advisors who can help build the capacity to skillfully manage the overlap of the family emotional system and the shared family economy.