­­Letting Go of Being Right to Build Better Connections

By Cathy Holuk

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone whose focus was entirely on convincing you that they were right?

Take a moment and think about what that experience was like.

You may have stopped listening. The conversation may have shifted from solving a problem to defending positions. It probably stopped feeling like a dialogue. And whatever the topic was, it likely became secondary to something else: the impact on your relationship with that person.

Maybe you felt talked at rather than listened to. You may have complied without really buying in – or disengaged altogether, or dug in and defended your own position harder than you otherwise would have.

This pattern shows up in all kinds of relationships. But in family enterprises – where shared history, shared assets, and long-standing roles are all in the room at the same time – it can be especially costly.

You might see it when a family council member raises a concern about the agenda for the upcoming family meeting, and the chair doubles down on the proposed agenda they created. Or when sibling operators debate strategy and quickly move from exploring options to defending positions. In these and many other scenarios, the conversation quickly turns into a competition.

And, when that happens, the consequences don't stay in the boardroom. They come home.

The Hidden Cost of Being Right

We often have clients come to us wanting to improve their communication skills. When we ask what that means to them, we hear things like: I want to communicate my ideas more effectively. I want to increase my influence. I want people to actually listen to me.

These are understandable goals. But when we get curious about what's underneath them, we often find the same thing: the person wants to convince others that they’re right.

And that's where we need to pause.

Because most people aren’t struggling with communication skills. They’re working from the wrong definition of what effective communication actually is. Many of us have been taught, implicitly or explicitly, that effective communication means being persuasive. That influence comes from making a compelling case. That success looks like getting others to agree with us or see things as we do.

That definition has its place. But when it becomes the default, and every conversation becomes an opportunity to win, it backfires. When the goal is convincing, communication shifts. Dialogue becomes persuasion. Curiosity becomes argument. Shared exploration becomes position defense. And the result is the opposite of what we were hoping for: less trust, less openness, and less genuine influence.

The irony is real: the harder we push to be heard, the less others are willing to hear us.

This pattern doesn’t just affect individual conversations. It impacts the family’s ability to align on their business strategy, investment strategy, or leadership transitions, for example. It shapes whether people come to the table prepared to engage, or prepared to defend. Longer term, the friction can build up and undermine family relationships and the ability to make effective decisions about their shared assets. 

Why This Pattern Is Hard to Break

This tendency isn't always about ego. It isn't necessarily a character flaw or bad intent either.

The need to be right is learned. It gets reinforced in environments where having the answer means having value. Over time, being right can be tied to something deeper: confidence, identity, or validation, and even a sense of control. If your contribution is your perspective, and that perspective is challenged, it can feel personal.

So letting go can feel like losing.

In some contexts, focusing on being right has worked. It may have helped you succeed, gain credibility, or move decisions forward. The challenge is that what works in one setting can quietly damage another, especially when relationships, not just financial outcomes, are at stake.

These patterns become automatic. And, unless we slow down enough to notice, we simply repeat them.

What to Do Instead

Fortunately, this is a learned pattern. So, it can be unlearned. Not all at once, and not without effort, but through small, deliberate shifts in how you show up.

1. Redefine your goal before the conversation

Before a potentially charged conversation, be explicit with yourself: what is my goal here?

Go beyond the surface goal to find the real one. Are you trying to prove your point? Or are you trying to move something forward with this person? You can do both, but not at the same time.

The authors of Crucial Conversations define dialogue as "the free flow of meaning between two or more people, creating a shared pool of information." That definition changes the standard of success. It’s no longer: Did I convince them? Rather it’s: Did we increase understanding?

2. Catch yourself in the moment

The instinct to be right doesn’t announce itself. It shows up in subtle, even physical ways:

●      You feel the urge to interrupt

●      You start composing your response while the other person is talking

●      You double down or over-explain

●      Your body tightens as you prepare to defend your point

These are signals that you’ve moved from understanding to defending. Noticing that shift in the moment, without judgment, is your first step toward making a different choice. You don’t have to change the conversation. Just interrupt the pattern with a question: What am I trying to prove right now? Am I showing up with openness or certainty? Am I creating space or taking it up?

That pause alone can create space for a different choice. 

3. Replace statements with questions

When you feel yourself building your next argument, try replacing it with questions.

●      What am I missing here?

●      How is this landing for you?

●      Can you say more about how you see it?

●      What matters most to you in this?

You cannot be curious and defensive at the same time.

When you are genuinely curious you make the other person feel heard. They open up to hearing you, and the conversation expands.

These are not communication “techniques.” Instead, they are skills that, practiced consistently, can change how others experience you – and over time, how the whole family system responds.

Influence Starts Here

The people with the most genuine influence are rarely the ones who argue the hardest. They're the ones who are willing to engage with curiosity, especially when it matters.

Influence doesn't come from pushing harder. It comes from how others experience you in conversation. The next time you walk into a conversation – whether it’s a strategic decision among siblings or a conversation in a family governing body – decide upfront: Am I here to prove my point or to work together to find a solution?

It’s hard to do both well at the same time.

And over time, the choice you make will determine not just the outcome of the conversation, but the strength of the relationships you depend on to make effective decisions for the family enterprise.

Endnote:

Grenny, J., Patterson, K., McMillan, R., Switzler, A., Gregory, E., Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When the Stakes are High (3rd Edition). McGraw Hill.